Damn, it's like Peter King put some sort of spell on me. Every time that I think I'm ready to get back into the game, my bosses decide to kidnap me, deprive me of sun light and literally work me into the ground. Thankfully Alexia Krause decided to pitch in with this awesome MMA guest post, which I hope can become a recurring feature.

Peter, I'll be back for you in a little bit my friend. Alexia, take it away.....

Oh crap, it's been a while hasn't it?? The last time I posted something, Peter King was busy watching the Colts practice very "businesslike", having trouble spelling Ndamukong Suh and reminding us that he is the Pro Football Writers Association's pool reporter!

In the meantime, Peter has kept busy by writing one shitty column after another. Sadly, since my boss requires me to work 75932359 hours a week, it leaves very little time for things like eating, showering, sleeping, enjoying life and keeping Leonardi DiFatrio in check. But worry not Fat von D., I'm back and I'll be keeping an eye on you again...

Say, you don't happen to have any arbitrary statistic or ranking with regard to any random player who may or may not be a league leader in some stupid category that nobody gives a shit about, do you???

I think Delhomme is in the top five of NFL good guys I’ve ever met.

Perfect Peter. Textbook form! But hey, let's give credit where credit is due. Delhomme is the all-pro quarterback on the All-Decent Human Being Team now isn't he??

Oh sir-fats-a-lot, how I've missed you....

It's Super Bowl Sunday tomorrow and luckily for us, Peter King came through again with another mind raping epic column. Last we left Rascal Fats, he was honorring his contract at SI and telling us that the 'Niners need to draft Tim Tebow.

What will you bless us with now Peter???

1. I think after watching the Colts for four hours over the past two days at practice as the Pro Football Writers Association's pool reporter,

Look at me, I AM THE PRO FOOTBALL WRITER'S ASSOCIATION'S POOL REPORTER! I AM STILL SO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU!

the one word I'd use to describe their practices is businesslike.

Do we dare say that they lead the league in it??

Sorry for the cliché, but that's what I see in all aspects of what they do. It stretches right down to the ballboy who places the ball on the line speedily during two-minute drills, wearing an officials' jersey. Impressive.

Who would have thought? A team that's on the verge of winning it's 2nd Super Bowl in 4 years has good practice sessions. Groundbreaking stuff by Blob Villa.

This morning, I ran into Billy Devaney, the GM of the team that's on the draft clock right now -- St. Louis -- and I said to him, "Who are you picking?'' I meant, of course, in the draft. And he thought for a minute and said, "The Colts.'' I'm glad he said that because if he'd talked about who he was picking number one overall on April 22, I'd have had to struggle again with how to spell Ndamukong Suh.

And in the end you end up spelling 'Ndamukong Suh' anyways. You're a very odd man, King...

I have seen two Colts practices as of this writing, and I can shed absolutely no light on Freeney's availability,

SI's leading football writer and the Pro Football Writer's Association's pool reporter can shed absolutely no light on the status of the most important defensive player right before the biggest game of the season.

Don't worry Peter, we don't care about silly, little things like injury updates. JUST TELL US MORE STORIES ABOUT BRELEIGH FAVRE!! That's why we read your columns in the first place!

4. I think I spent approximately 236 hours on the radio this week, from the campus station at Fairfield University to my friends at KTAR in Phoenix, and I am spent. Finished. There's nothing else to say. Play the damn thing.

Keep raking in that money, son. You've earned it!

Manning was the first pick in the '98 draft. It says much because the Colts have 19 undrafted free-agents on their team -- and they have a bunch of high-profile, highly drafted offensive players, led by Manning. The formula has worked like a charm, obviously.

You mean to tell us that football teams are sometimes made up out of high profiled draft choices and undrafted free agents? In between this and knowing that the Colts practice well, I feel like a whole new world has opened up for me....

8. I think there's no question the Saints watched the Week 8 Colts-Niners game to pick up some clues on how to play Indy's offense.

Yes sir, SI's leading football writer, telling us that the Saints went back to look at previous Colts games to see how they can stop Indy's offense. There isn't enough sarcasm in the English language to accurately portray how I'm feeling right now.

Go lick pavement King....

* image courtesy of Picture is Unrelated

Due to a very unhealthy workload, I don't have the time to tackle Fat Summerall's entire MMQB column, but there are some nuggets in there that are just too good to pass up.

There wasn't a lot of drama over the weekend in the four playoff games, but there's a lot of good stuff out there, in and around the NFL. Settle back, tell your boss you need a few minutes, and I hope I make this column worth your while.

Sure. There's absolutely no way that that will end badly. I'm certain, almost as certain as your Super Bowl pick, that he'll understand....

Scores of you believe I'm a Pollyanna about this. I currently have a contract with Sports Illustrated, and another with NBC. If another media company came to me and offered me three times what I'm making, I wouldn't entertain the offer. I want to believe I'm like most Americans -- a contract's a contract.

Holy Shit! I don't think I've ever read anything that's more stupid than those sentences. First of all, you are NOT like most Americans because most Americans do NOT make stupid amounts of money. And that is EXACTLY WHY most Americans would rip their contracts to shreds if it meant that they could start earning three times as much. ESPECIALLY DURING SHITTY ECONOMIC TIMES!

You work for BOTH CNN and NBC. Your stupid book has been published and it's being sold. You fly more during one year than I make trips to the supermarket. YOU ARE NOT LIKE MOST AMERICANS.

1. Minnesota (13-4). Showdown at the Superdome Corral. Favre-Brees. Thirteen years ago this week, Brett Favre won his Super Bowl at the Superdome. He'll have slightly fewer fans on his side Sunday night

Luckily for Favre, he'll have the biggest fan (literally) on his side....

Coach of the Week

Rex Ryan, head coach, New York Jets.

He epitomizes brash

But does he lead the league in it????

2. I think, if I had to guess right now, I'd say the best shot for Tim Tebow on draft day is San Francisco, at number 13.

Hmmm, the last Urban Meyer-coached quarterback that San Fran drafted worked out really well. FWIW though, Alex Smith was considered the top qb of that draft. Tebow however is the punchline of a joke when it comes to quarterbacking in the NFL.

I dunno Pete. Are the 'Niners going to use him as an "athlete", at tight end, as the Wildcat quarterback?? Why on earth would they waste the 13th pick in the draft on Eric Crouch version 2.0??? Tell us. Show us why you earn crazy amounts of money.....

No proof. No solid evidence.

Awesome. Thank You. Pay the man, Sports Illustrated. HE HAS EARNED IT!

6. I think one of the sad football things about the death of Gaines Adams, the Tampa Bay-turned-Chicago defensive end who died Sunday of cardiac arrest at 26, is that he was about to be coached into his potential by Rod Marinelli, who believed in him like no other coach he'd had in the NFL.

Yes sir. The sad part of the death of a 26-year old young man is THAT HE WAS ABOUT TO BE COACHED INTO HIS POTENTIAL. Exactly Peter. Never mind his life. Never mind his family. Never mind his loved ones. The sad thing is THAT MARINELLI WON'T BE ABLE TO COACH HIM.

Go fuck a knife, Peter.

* image courtesy of Picture Is Unrelated

From Peter King's NFL Play-off predictions. Take it away Johnny Football Zero....

3. Favre's last game? Maybe he knows, but he's known in the past and then did a 180, and even a 360 and then a 180 in the case of the Vikings last summer. The bottom line is, love him or hate his waffling, this could be the last time you ever see the conflicted great one throw a football.

Go fuck a wood chipper King. When I have a mental breakdown a few months from now, I'm blaming you Ham Beasley. You will be the end of me!!

* image courtesy of Picture is Unrelated

If there's one thing that I've learned throughout the years, it's that you have to do exactly the opposite of what Peter King says. This especially applies when the man attempts to pick winners in the NFL.

Back when I was writing over at BlownCoverage, I called this "the Peter King curse". You basically take a bad-ass curse and you multiply it with the amount of times that Adrian Peterson fumbles. In the end, it morphs into an even bigger disaster.

The most recent example of the Peter King curse was his Chicago Bears Super Bowl pick. (Diabetes has nothing on this shit huh, Jay????) However, it looks like Charlie the Tuna has really outdone himself this time.

The screenshot above comes courtesy of The Big Lead. It's the result of the Media Accuracy Rankings, a system where members of the media are ranked based on the accuracy of their pre-season predictions. Before this season started, 72 members of the media made their predictions and not surprisingly, Peter King came in dead fucking last.

Yes sir, the man that makes stupid amounts of money by writing about football failed miserably yet again. And while I know that pre-season predictions are basically a crap shoot, it just amuses me to see so much consistent failure from the leading writer in the business.

Another brilliant performance Pete. Keep raking in all that money. You deserve it....

I'm not going to say much so let me just dive immediately into Peter King's 2009 All-Pro team....

WR Vincent Jackson, San Diego.
He's very slightly more consistent and just as game-breaking as Andre Johnson.

Vincent Jackson: 68 receptions, 1167 receiving yards, 77.8 yards per game, 9 touchdowns.
Andre Johnson: 101 receptions, 1569 receiving yards, 98.1 yards per game, 9 touchdowns.

Please show me where Jackson is more consistent than Johnson. Please....

WR Wes Welker, New England.
Very tough to leave Reggie Wayne off this team, but it'd be tougher for me to leave the best slot receiver of this era off too. Welker led the NFL with 123 catches despite playing, in effect, 13 games with the early season-ending injury Sunday in Houston.

SI's leading football writer and a man who for some reason get to vote for the All-Pro team picks Wes Welker over Reggie Wayne. Again......Wesley Welker.....over Reggie Wayne. Let it sit. Let it simmer. Let it consume you to the point where you call in sick for work tomorrow.

Wes Welker: 123 receptions, 1348 receiving yards, 96.3 yards per game, 4 touchdowns.
Reggie Wayne: 100 receptions, 1264 receiving yards, 79 yards per game, 9 touchdowns.

It must be pretty hard for Welker to catch little 3 yard passes while being lined up across Randy fucking Moss. Reggie Wayne on the other hand lines up across living legends like Austin Collie and Pierre Garcon.

Jesus Christ. SHOW ME ONE PERSON ON FUCKING EARTH WHO WOULD PICK VINCENT JACKSON AND WES WELKER OVER ANDRE JOHNSON AND REGGIE WAYNE. GAAAAAHHHHH....I WANT TO HURT MYSELF NOW!!

But wait, there's less! From today's MMQB...

What I do know is if I ran a team, and I've got the 40th pick in the draft, and Tebow's there, I pick him without hesitation and pass the card in as, "Tim Tebow, football player, Florida.'' And I pop the champagne corks.

Yes. That is correct. Peter's front office skills would actually be worse than his writing...and THAT IS SAYING A WHOLE, FUCKING LOT.

Ah well, at least he didn't pick him first overall....

Team Moneyline Loser came up pathetically short in the Fantasy Football championship game, much like Peter King's genitalia. It's pretty great to see the Packers score 5 rushing touchdowns when your team depends on Aaron Rodgers. FUCK YOU SEAHAWKS DEFENSE....

Either way, it was my most successful fantasy season ever and that basically illustrates that a) I'm pathetic, b) I suck gratuitous amounts of cock, c) I know as much about fantasy as your dead goldfish and d) I suck gratuitous amounts of cock.

Speaking of King though, I was too lazy to tackle his MMQB this morning (I lead the league in half-assing!) but I just could not let this pass....

3. Steve Smith, the Carolina Steve Smith, leads the NFL in guts.

Let's add that to the list shall we??

Steve Smith = league leader in guts
Atlanta Falcons = league leaders in anonimity
Matt Schaub = league leader in normalcy
Tony Romo = leage leader in smiling
Adrian Peterson = league leader in firm hand shaking
Jake Delhomme = All-pro quarterback on the All-Decent Human Being Team
Dave = league leader in laziness and half-assing
Peter = league leader in earning stupid amounts of money.

Btw, that's a picture of a young Peter King as he flies on JetBlue. LOOK AT ALL THAT LEG ROOM!!

* image courtesy of I-Am-Bored

So, I took 2 and a half weeks off to teach costume wearing monkeys how to ice skate but now that Johnny Chimpo's moves on ice have become a thing of legend, I can sleep easy at night knowing that it was mission accomplished. I mean, just look at his face. HE'S LIKE A KID OUT THERE. JUST HAVING FUN!

Either way, where were we? Oh right, team Moneyline Loser. The last time I wrote, team Moneyline Loser had just finished the regular season at 9-4 and with a first round play-off bye. It was the first time in fantasy football history that I had a first round bye so I made sure to celebrate accordingly by stabbing a little Asian man in the thigh.

The pressure was on in the league semifinals but Aaron Rodgers' performance against the Steelers last week gave me about 300 points and a spot in the finals was secured. So that's were we are now. Team Moneyline Loser is in the fantasy football championship game, which is also a first for me. To say that I'm scared shit-less is quite the understatement.

It all comes down to this then. Aaron Rodgers, Andre Johnson, Marques Colston, Santonio Holmes, Cedric Benson, Marion Barber, Heath Miller, Matt Prater, Baltimore's D and Antrel Rolle will take on Matt Schaub, Greg Jennings, Robert Meachem, MJD, Chris Johnson, Ray Rice, Dallas Clark, Nate Kaeding, Tennessee's D and London Fletcher. In other words, I stand no chance in hell.

After last night's Chargers-Titans game I'm already down by about 29 (Damn it Chris Johnson!) and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to regret keeping DeAngello Williams, T.O. and Steve Breaston on the bench. Fuck my life... WHY CAN'T I EVER WIN ANYTHING???

Oh, before I continue to over-analyze every situation to death before tomorrow's games kick-off, here is some bonus Peter King goodness from the Week 16 picks column...

New York Jets (7-7) at Indianapolis Colts (14-0)

I am making this pick because SI.com pays me the big bucks to pick the games.

You dumb mortals have boring, average jobs!!!111!!!. I MAKE STUPID AMOUNTS OF MONEY!!!!11!! I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU!1111Eleventy!!!!1

It's time for another Team Moneyline Loser update. It's been a weird journey so far and that's not really what I was going for. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE NO STRINGS ATTACHED,DAMN IT! NO EMOTIONS WHATSOEVER!!!!

To recap....

- I decided to get back into fantasy football again after taking some time off.
- I was going to be cool and "wing it". No worries, no strategies. Quasi Matt Millen-ish.
- I started 6-1, lead the league in points and suddenly I started to give a shit. I alerted my doctor because my erection lasted for about 78 hours.
- "Giving a shit" meant immediate failure and suddenly there was a gut wrenching loss, an 8-4 record and I was sporting emo hair and contemplating going through life as a hipster.
- This past weekend started off very shitty thanks to the Marion Barber/Felix Jones puke platter and 8-5 seemed all but a reality.
- All hope came down to the Monday Night game where I needed Aaron Rodgers to come up very big. Big like Peter King's breasts....

I sat down on the couch and was joined by the wife. What follows are parts of the conversation that we had during the game.

Wife: Who are we rooting for tonight?
Dave: Well, it's pretty simple. We need Green Bay to win. A Baltimore loss means that Miami is back in the Wild Card hunt and I basically need Aaron Rodgers to throw for a bunch of yards and 3 touchdowns.
Wife: Who's Aaron Rodgers and why is he important?
Dave: He's the dude one the Packers that will be throwing the ball a lot. He's on my fantasy team and I need a ton of points from him to win.
Wife: I don't understand why this fantasy team is so important to you. Will you win money with it?
Dave: IT'S ABOUT MY PRECIOUS PRIDE!! DON'T QUESTION THE WAY I LIVE MY LIFE!!!

* Puts on Miami Hurricanes shorts *
* makes plans to invade Grenada *