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It's time for another Team Moneyline Loser update. It's been a weird journey so far and that's not really what I was going for. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE NO STRINGS ATTACHED,DAMN IT! NO EMOTIONS WHATSOEVER!!!!
To recap....
- I decided to get back into fantasy football again after taking some time off.
- I was going to be cool and "wing it". No worries, no strategies. Quasi Matt Millen-ish.
- I started 6-1, lead the league in points and suddenly I started to give a shit. I alerted my doctor because my erection lasted for about 78 hours.
- "Giving a shit" meant immediate failure and suddenly there was a gut wrenching loss, an 8-4 record and I was sporting emo hair and contemplating going through life as a hipster.
- This past weekend started off very shitty thanks to the Marion Barber/Felix Jones puke platter and 8-5 seemed all but a reality.
- All hope came down to the Monday Night game where I needed Aaron Rodgers to come up very big. Big like Peter King's breasts....
I sat down on the couch and was joined by the wife. What follows are parts of the conversation that we had during the game.
Wife: Who are we rooting for tonight?
Dave: Well, it's pretty simple. We need Green Bay to win. A Baltimore loss means that Miami is back in the Wild Card hunt and I basically need Aaron Rodgers to throw for a bunch of yards and 3 touchdowns.
Wife: Who's Aaron Rodgers and why is he important?
Dave: He's the dude one the Packers that will be throwing the ball a lot. He's on my fantasy team and I need a ton of points from him to win.
Wife: I don't understand why this fantasy team is so important to you. Will you win money with it?
Dave: IT'S ABOUT MY PRECIOUS PRIDE!! DON'T QUESTION THE WAY I LIVE MY LIFE!!!
* Puts on Miami Hurricanes shorts *
* makes plans to invade Grenada *
Aaron Rodgers proceeds to throw an early interception, which ironically was picked of by Ed Reed's replacement. Team Moneyline Loser was also starting Ed Reed but I realized too late that he was a scratch and didn't make a substitution on time.
* Kicks the neighbor's cat *
Dave: PLEASE END MY LIFE NOW. WHAT A CRUEL WORLD WE LIVE IN!
Wife: If you're going to be so dramatic, you might as well play for money. I mean, at least you'll be getting upset for a reason.
Dave: I've never made the league play-offs. Playing for money means that I'll be sucking dick for coke by the end of the season.
Wife: But you know a lot about sports, sports betting and gambling in general right?
Dave: I might...
Wife: So, why don't you bet on the games or something? Isn't that easier then?
Dave: No, it's not that simple. The more you think that you know about sports, the more you'll get fucked in the ass by it. It's the same reason why Mary from Human Resources will win the football office pool.
Wife: I don't understand.
Dave: Someone who religiously follows sports will over-complicate things and obsess about the tiniest details to the point that he'll fuck himself over. Someone who knows jack shit will end up making better game picks because they won't clutter their minds with that exact bullshit.
Wife: So, what you're saying is that I could make better picks than you?
Dave: YES. WHY MUST IT ALWAYS BE A COMPETITION BETWEEN US WOMAN??
Wife: Seriously, let me make some picks then....
* Aaron Rodgers throws his second touchdown and my balls are swollen beyond belief. *
Dave: I'm not comfortable with you making football picks. You'd probably do much better than me and that's really not good for my crippling insecurities. I'd rather you pick up something else, like bingo for example.
Wife: Online bingo?
Dave: Yes! Online bingo! You could play at 888 ladies. IT'S ONLINE BINGO ESPECIALLY AIMED TOWARDS LADIES! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT???
Wife: I'd want you to drink more water, eat some vegetables every so now and then and maybe even get some exercise a couple of times a week.
Dave: You must really hate me....
* Aaron Rodgers throws touchdown number three and by now I'm fully naked *
Wife: Must you be naked in the living room?
Dave: Yes ma'am.
Checks Yahoo's Fantasy Page and see that I'm in the lead and that 9-4 appears to be in the bag. It means a first round bye and my first fantasy football play-off appearance. I proceed to hump the floor.
Wife: So, Bingo huh?
Dave: Yes, I think that Bingo would be a great game for you. You can chat! And there are scratch cards and instant games! And you could win at any moment! REALLY, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT WOMAN?? YOU WILL BE THE END OF ME!!
Wife: * sigh *
As you can see, it was a very happy ending after all. Aaron Rodgers came up big, the Ed Reed scratch did not hurt and both Marion Barber and Felix Jones were forgiven (for now).
Team Moneyline Loser will now enjoy a first round play-off bye and I'll be comfortably watching games this weekend and not worrying about why Greg Olsen gave me 0.1 points. GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME GREG!!
* image courtesy of I-Am-Bored
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