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During the past 6 years, I have worked in most of the “gambling” circles that exist. I started with general sports betting, then I moved on to horse betting and now I'm involved with poker, online poker, online casino and even online bingo.
One thing that has always stood out to me are the people who think that they can somehow affect the outcome of whatever that they playing or wagering on. Their “luck” can somehow be changed by some random variable that means absolutely nothing. I'll give you a few examples...
“ I want a new dealer. You're dealing shitty cards!”
No. The dealer isn't dealing shitty cards. You just have shitty poker skills so just shut the fuck up and let the real players play.
“ I always win when I'm wearing this shirt. It's my good luck shirt!”
No. Your stupid Hawaiian shirt HAS ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT on how those dice land on the table. It's like flipping a fucking coin. You can not control it. It just makes me want to fight you even more.
“ I won because I took horse number 12 and 12 was my recently deceased brother's favorite number. Thank you Joe, wherever you are!”
No. You are betting on how fast a fucking horse can run. The one you picked just happened to run the fastest today for whatever reason. Your dead brother did not magically push it over the finish line. When was the last time that you even spoke to a woman?
“ I'm going to go big on “Red” right now. “Black” has come up 5 times in a row so “Red” is due!
No. There is no pre-determined order. Black can come up 19 times in a row and it will be just as likely to come up the 20th time because again, it's a 50/50 chance every singly time and YOU CAN NOT CHANGE THAT OR ANTICIPATE ANYTHING THAT MIGHT HAPPEN. It's chance at its purest form. I'm convinced you might even be a sexual predator.
Either way, while I'm aware of all of this, I tend to make these mistakes as well and this past week was the perfect example. On Wednesday the Orlando Magic game was on Epsn, on Saturday the Miami Hurricanes were on ABC and I would also be getting the Dolphins Sunday on CBS. All these teams were favored to win, but I was sure that they'd all lose, just because I would be watching. For some stupid reason, I tend to think that the fact that I'm viewing will mean certain doom.
So, let's start Wednesday night with the Magic taking on the Heat in Orlando. The Magic came in with a 11-3 record and as one of the main title contenders (and better home teams in all of basketball), they should have easily taken care of the Heat.
Fast forward to the fourth quarter when Miami started to cut into the Magic lead and were suddenly up by three with little time remaining.
Dave: You see, I told you that we are going to lose. You can bet the house on it. F MY LIFE!
Wife: Why do you say that? The game's not even over yet. There's still time for them to hit a shot and tie it up.
Dave: That will be as likely as engaging in witty conversation with a dead platypus.
* Vince Carter hits three to tie the game *
Dave: THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY THIS GAME!! GO GET FUCKED DWYANE WADE! WHY DIDN'T YOUR MOM CALL YOU "DWAYNE" LIKE A NORMAL PERSON???
* Twitter's that I am hung like killer whale *
Wife: I worry about you at times...
Fast forward to the last few seconds as Jason Williams was fouled but only managed to hit one free throw to give Orlando a 1-point lead.
Dave: WHY THE HELL ARE WE EVEN PAYING YOU?? YOU HAVE JUST LOST US THE GAME.
Wife: Your team still has the lead. Why are you so upset?
Dave: Because the other guys will now hit the game winning shot!
Wife: Why are you so certain about that?
Dave: BECAUSE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY IN LIFE!
* Michael Beasley does a put back dunk with under one second remaining and Miami wins by one *
Dave: I HOPE YOU FAIL AT LIFE BEASLEY!!! AARGG@#%@#%$%$#@@^@^@
See, Orlando did not lose because I was watching. They lost because Dwight Howard missed about 22 free throws. They lost because no one accounted for Beasley on that last shot. They lost because they played lethargically for most of the first half but I was convinced that they would have won if they opted to watch a movie instead.
(* bonus points however for the fact that Orlando won the next 3 games, all games that I did not get to see)
On Saturday it was time for the Hurricanes to visit South Florida and play the Bulls. I got stuck in traffic and when I finally made it home, I turned on the tv some time during the second quarter, right on time to see Javarris James score a 2-yard touchdown to make it 21-3 for Miami.
Wife: See, your team is winning and your viewing has nothing to do with it.
Dave: Yes, that's why they are leading 21-3, because I missed most of it so far.
Wife: You're childish and petty you know that?
* Fast forward to fourth quarter and Matt Bosher kicks a 32-yard field goal and makes it 31-10 Miami *
Dave: EAT DICK SOUTH FLORIDA!
* Twitters that my balls are made of pure gold *
* ABC immediately switches to Kansas-Missouri game because Miami has comfortable lead *
Dave: ARRRGGHH!!!! I WAS WATCHING THAT! WHY CAN'T I ENJOY THE LAST REGULAR SEASON GAME IN PEACE?? WE WERE LEADING DAMNIT!!!
ABC switched because Kansas-Mizzou was a close game and it would be more interesting to viewers. I was convinced it had to do with me. The world evolves around me..at least that's what I like to think.
Then came Sunday. Miami was visiting Buffalo and needed to win to keep the Wild-Card hopes alive.
Wife: Who is the better team today?
Dave: Miami is favored and should win. But they won't because I'm tuning in.
Wife: You're so negative. The game has not even started yet...
* Fast forward to the third quarter when Ricky Williams scores a 1-yard touchdown to give Miami a 14-7 lead *
Dave: THERE IS NO STOPPING US! THIS IS A FINELY TUNED MACHINE!
I was pumped and taunting people on Twitter but it did not last long. What followed was a Fred Jackson touchdown run, a 56-yard field goal by Rian Lindell, a Chad Henne interception, a 51-yard touchdown pass to T.O., another Henne interception and a special “Fuck You” touchdown from Fred Jackson that made it 31-14. Game over.
Dave: FUCK YOU FITZPATRICK! ARRGGHHH, WE ARE THE WORST TEAM IN HISTORY. WE'LL NEVER WIN AGAIN.
Wife: Why does that guy (Henne) throw the ball? He's obviously not equipped to do that..
Dave: GO CHOKE ON GLASS OWENS!!
So, I was convinded that the games would go shitty and in the end, they were. Even the one that ended up in a win wasn't that great because I missed most of it. The result is that when I watch, "we" lose. I am convinced that I can't be happy when it comes to sports/betting/gambling/fantasy and my theory was somewhat validated again, even though it's absolute horseshit. ME WATCHING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. I'M JUST PETTY AND CHILDISH!
But hey, the Magic are playing tonight again. Maybe I'll get to see it!
* Image courtesy of Picture is Unrelated |
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