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Well well King, we meet again. Last Monday I couldn't get through your MMQB but I'll get through the week 13 picks without failing. YOU WON'T KEEP ME DOWN FLUBBY BRISTER!!
* takes off clothes *
* stares at naked self in mirror *
* wonders about the current structure of the government in Liechenstein *
* clutches shotgun *
* opens the week 13 picks *
Bring it on Hamburger Helper.....
New York Jets (5-6) at Buffalo Bills (4-7)
I see where Joe Girardi came in and taught Mark Sanchez how to slide. Rex Ryan couldn't have asked for Mariano Rivera to come in and teach him pinpoint control? By the way, Terrell Owens is nine catches away from 1,000 for his career. Darrelle Revis will be covering him. Terrell Owens will exit the game seven catches away from 1,000 for his career.
Peter's predicting two cathces for Owens, which means he'll end up with about 17. We'll revisit this one after the weekend.
Tennessee Titans (5-6) at Indianapolis Colts (11-0)
Almost a shootout. What a bitter pill for the anemic Texans to swallow, by the way, to see the Titans jousting the great Colts with a quarterback (Vince Young) and running back (Chris Johnson) Houston bypassed in the draft.
Would the Texans be in better shape if they went with Vince first overall and had him instead of Schaub at Qb and Mario Williams as that first pick? Maybe. I don't know. I'm not sold 100% on Young yet so let's try and keep the cock sucking to a minimum....
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-10) at Carolina Panthers (4-7)
Saddest sight of the 2009 season: Jake Delhomme, the all-pro quarterback on the All-Decent Human Being Team, turning into Steve Sax before our very eyes.
IT JUST DOES NOT END!!! Let's update the list shall we?
Atlanta Falcons = league leaders in anonimity
Matt Schaub = league leader in normalcy
Tony Romo = leage leader in smiling
Adrian Peterson = league leader in firm hand shaking
Jake Delhomme = All-pro quarterback on the All-Decent Human Being Team
As for Peter, he leads the league in earning stupid amounts of money and walking slowly to his airplane seat! Don't you dare forget that!
New Orleans Saints (11-0) at Washington Redskins (3-8)
Saints, 11-0, play teams with records of 3-8, 6-5, 8-3, 1-10, 4-7 down the stretch. Who dat say dem Saints aren't going unbeaten?
History??? Law of averages??? Common Sense???
St. Louis Rams (1-10) at Chicago Bears (4-7)
Bears are 20-23 since losing in the Super Bowl to Indianapolis, and they've lost games by 35, 20 and 26 in the past six weeks. With all due respect to the plunge Seattle's taken, the 4-7 Bears are the most disappointing team in the league. Also, it says a ton about how far the Rams have to travel to be good again that I've got the Bears winning this by double digits.
Read that again. "..the 4-7 Bears are the most disappointing team in the league." Don't say I didn't warn you Bears fans.... That Peter King curse is as ruthless as a Norwegian model who's millionaire golfer husband cheated on her (see what I did there??).
Philadelphia Eagles (7-4) at Atlanta Falcons (6-5)
Fantasy Football players of the world, do not get violently ill: free-agent pickup LeSean McCoy, 4.29 yards per rush, three touchdowns, 528 rushing yards; low first-round pick Matt Forte, 3.29 yards per rush, three touchdowns, 543 rushing yards.
You mean to tell me that McCoy is putting up good numbers in an offense that features multiple weapons and that Forte is struggling in an offense that has a new quarterback and where teams make sure to stop him first???? Get out of town....
Denver Broncos (7-4) at Kansas City Chiefs (3-8)
You know what's the dumbest thing of the week? Josh McDaniels apologizing to America for swearing on the bench during a football game! Hello? The apology should be NFL Network's. At the very least, the game should be on a seven-second delay if they want to be so up-close-and-personal, so we don't have to hear the crusty language. Absurd.
You know what's also absurd? When Fox doesn't fully show the Brett Favre celebrations after he beats his former team!
San Diego Chargers (8-3) at Cleveland Browns (1-10)
I noticed Westwood One is doing this game on national radio. Lord in heaven, why?
I noticed that I'm still reading this article. Lord in heaven, why?
San Francisco 49ers (5-6) at Seattle Seahawks (4-7)
But the real story will be up in the booth high above Qwest Field, ladies and gentlemen. That's where Ross Tucker will make his FOX national color debut, alongside tag-team partner Chris Myers. I'm sure he's going to regale Spokane and Tukwila and Redding and Burlingame with some great stories about how I've taught him everything he knows about ... well, everything.
No Peter, do NOT stop tooting your own horn. Please continue because I hate it so much when people are humble!
Dallas Cowboys (8-3) at New York Giants (6-5)
Toughest game of the week to predict, because the Cowboys traditionally win as often in December as the Canadiens do in July.
They win as often as you put out a good MMQB.
They win as often as often as I have recommended your book to others.
They win as often as I'm interested in reading about your colonics or airport shitting.
They win as often as I'm interested in reading about your daughter's hockey experiences.
I could go on all day....
Minnesota Vikings (10-1) at Arizona Cardinals (7-4)
Someday, you'll be rocking on a porch somewhere, and your grandkids will be nestled around you, and they'll want to know your favorite stories from the old days, and you'll tell 'em about the 40-year-old quarterback, the slightly indecisive one, who had the best year of his career when he was his grayest.
Bonus points for typing that paragrapgh while having Favre's grey, crusty penis lodged firmly down your throat. Multi-tasking at its best. Quasy Jeter-ian.
Baltimore Ravens (6-5) at Green Bay Packers (7-4)
Just when you thought you could start to figure out the AFC playoff picture with the Ravens dropping out, they get hauled back in the pennant race. Never thought I'd look at the Ravens and say Ray Rice might be their most indispensible player. He's not, really, because they couldn't afford to lose Joe Flacco. But the fact that it's even a point to consider is a testament to what a great impact Rice has made.
It's not a point because if Rice goes down, they still have McGahee and McClain. If Flacco goes down, they're left with Troy Smith and John Beck.
Fuck it, why do I even care? I'm out...
* image courtesy of Picture Is Unrelated
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