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I'm going on vacation tomorrow. It's only 12 days but I really need the time off. To illustrate how messed up my mind is at this moment, I'll just tell you what I dreamt last night. This is an actual dream...no bullshitting.
I dreamt that I was working somewhere and I suppose that it was CNN SI because as I went to the bathroom to take a leak, none other than Peter King walked in. Peter was on the phone, telling someone how filthy rich he is and how amazing his life is and it pissed me off so much that I threw my pants at him.
Yes, I took off my pants in a rage-filled haze and and threw it at him as hard as I could. I guess I was trying to hurt him and the only thing I could find to throw where the jeans that I was wearing. I'm pretty sure that this is what Simmons considers to be the "Tyson zone". Not only did I dream about Peter King, BUT I NEEDED TO HURT HIM PHYSICALLY WITH MY CLOTHING!
You can imagine then that I really need to pick apart his week 10 picks before I step on that airplane tomorrow. Hey, I might even waddle slowly to my seat, just like Peter! THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT BETTER NOT WARN ME TO MOVE FASTER!!
If the 49ers are losing because they added a really good player, Michael Crabtree, to the lineup out of nowhere, then I would say the 49ers were a house made of toothpicks. Which is to say: I'm not buying they're 0-3 with Crabtree because of Crabtree.
Prediction: San Francisco 49ers 23, Chicago Bears 13
And you are predicting that your Super Bowl pick drops to a meager 4-5. Man, the Peter King curse is as unpleasant as getting fucked by a Cactus.
If I were the FOX director doing this game, I'd have a WadeCam (because Wade Phillips is always good for about eight agonized expressions during a game), and I'd dedicate one to Jerry Jones, seething, in the final two minutes. I don't love Green Bay, but I like them here because they've got to look at this game as a last-gasp playoff hope.
How's about they put a camera on Romo so that we can see how much he smiles. The man does lead the league in smiling doesn't he Peter??
This game will be everything NBC's Dick Ebersol could have hoped -- a showdown between Tom Brady and Peyton Manning with both running games stinking it up, Peyton with the ball in his hands inside the two-minute warning with a chance to win it ??? and ??? and ??? well, I can't spoil all the suspense now, can I? But let's just say I think Brandon Meriweather is going to make a play that'll have Andrea Kremer interviewing him alongside Brady after the game.
You can't spoil the suspense BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE OF WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. No one does. That's why these games are played on a field and not decided on paper.
There's an X factor here. I wonder how Sean Payton keeps his team focused these next two weeks, with Rams and Bucs on the road preceding the big Monday nighter with New England.
Come on Peter, please tell us. PLEASE, SPOIL THE SUSPENSE!!
I'm not sure whether it was Bill Parcells or Tony Sparano. But I can bet you a Gloria Estefan CD that one of those men, sometime in the past three or four days, said something to Chad Henne along the lines of: "Son, if you're going to complete 54 percent, like you have over the past three games, and take as many sacks as you've been taking, and not get us into the end zone, you'll never make it in this league.'' Lucky for Henne, he's got the Bucs coming to Fishland on Sunday.
Son, I'll tell you the same thing I told Matthew Stafford; HEAVE IT RECKLESSLY INTO COVERAGE! It worked wonders for him last week!
Brett Favre really needed the bye, and the banged-up Adrian Peterson was pretty happy to have it too. On the other side of the ball, I hear the Lions are battling rumors that the two big stars, Calvin Johnson and Matthew Stafford, are sniping at each other. Calvin, it's nothing personal; the kid's just not all there yet. And he has thrown 49 balls your way in five starts when you've been on the field together. What's the gripe? That's 2.5 balls per quarter.
Yes, what's the gripe Calvin? Peter gets 2 balls every night from Favre and you don't see him complaining!
Rex Ryan, getting whiplash watching Maurice Jones-Drew sprint by him a couple of times, will turn to an assistant and say, "You have no idea how much I miss Leon Washington.''
If that's the case, shouldn't he tell one of his linebackers to you know, FUCKING TACKLE Jones-Drew???
"Hey, hey, come on now,'' Kurt Warner said to me when I began a conversation the other day with, "Well, it's been feast or famine for you.'' Five picks, then five touchdowns. He's right -- two of the five picks were fluke jobs. The will of Jim Mora might make this closer, but a month ago, in Seattle, the Cards won by 24.
He only threw 3 “real” interceptions! That's quasy-Favreian!
If I'm Jake Delhomme, I think I'd rather be running in the open field with three Falcons bearing down on me that taking my chances running out of bounds into the middle of a bunch of Falcons. That Atlanta sideline is a dangerous place to be.
I have a better idea, Jake. Just heave it recklessly into coverage. What's the worse that can happen? Three interceptions? Five interceptions? Psshhh, that's quasi-Warnerian.
Baltimore Ravens (4-4) at Cleveland Browns (1-7)
Somewhere, Mike Holmgren will be watching.
Will he be leading the league in some random category? Tell us Peter...please SPOIL THE SUSPENSE!!!
Fuck it, I'm out. I really need a vacation. See you in 12 days.
* image courtesy of Picture is Unrelated |
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