The One Where Peter King Gets Angry At Fox

Written by Dave

Monday, 02 November 2009 10:50

Lolz

Time for a little update on Team Moneyline Loser. I went to 6-1 last week as I destroyed my opponent by 98 points while also playing flawless classicall music on the piano. As you can see, I'm a fantasy football savant (actually, I won because that dude didn't set his line-up and had 4 guys on bye-weeks in there but that's just a technicality).

This week, things were a little closer though. I'm up by 5 points going into the MNF game and I have Marques Colston going while my opponent has Roddy White and Darren Sharper. Whatever, I'm still not giving a shit.

Let's just get to officer DingleBerry's excessive Favre fellatio in this week's edition of MMQB...

I remember the first time Brett Favre mentioned the V word in the summer of 2008.

Does he mean vaginas? Could it be Vicodin?? Is he talking about aliens?? SOMEONE STOP THIS SUSPENSE!

I don't think there's been a game with a dramatic tinge to it in recent history like Favre's return to Lambeau on Sunday.

Of course not. New England going for the perfect season and Detroit trying to avoid the 0-16 meant absolutely nothing. Favre tops both, obviously.

Favre got the full-throated version from the time he walked out of the tunnel.

Can you imagine how soiled Peter's underwear was after he typed "Favre" and "full-throated" in the same sentence?

And now, I wondered, how was the groin four hours and a lot of lost adrenalin later?
"It's throbbing right now,'' he said.

Writing about Favr'es "throbbing" groin made Peter throb in other places. That Favre is such a dirty tease......

"I knew it'd probably be the last time I'd ever step foot on Lambeau Field, and it got a little emotional,'' he said.
OK, now: the last time? You sure?

Nope. "I'm reluctant to say that,'' Favre said. "You know me. At this stage, I'm game to game. That's it.''

Oh shit. Go die in a fire.

My friend from Montclair, Mike Norman, and his two boys, Ben and Josh, can't get over how well they were treated as Giants fans in New Orleans a couple of weeks ago.

They were treated even better than Barry, Jerry, Larry and Larry Derryberry

11. Atlanta (4-2). Seems odd that it's Nov. 2, and the Falcons have played only six games.

That's because they've already had their bye-week and they play on MNF tonight. By tomorrow morning, they will have played 7 games, just like most teams in the league.

15. San Francisco (3-4). A really impressive loss at Indy. When you lead for 41 minutes against the Colts, and hold Peyton Manning touchdown-less, you've done something. Not enough, but something.

It means that you've grasped defeat from the hands of victory...

1. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis. The MVP is his to lose -- even if he has a couple more zero-touchdown games like Sunday.

Because that's what MVP quarterbacks do. They lead their teams to victory while not scoring any touchdowns themselves as they just "manage" the game.

4. Brett Favre, QB, Minnesota. The man is 40 ... and he's 7-1, with 16 touchdowns and three interceptions. I've had Adrian Peterson in this MVP lineup every week this season, but let's face it -- Favre's edging him in pure value.

Oh Christ. I'm not even going to bother. Feel free to mock this man yourself...

Offensive Player of the Week
Brett Favre, QB, Minnesota.

Really, could the day have been any more perfect?

No Peter, it was an absolutely perfect day for you yesterday. Just beautiful...

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

At the Favre Bowl, a Packer fan with a green number 4 Packer jersey had "BENEDICT ARNOLD'' where the "FAVRE" nameplate is supposed to be.

YOU ARE A DIRTY PEASANT WHO IS NOT WORTHY OF THE HOLY FAVRE JERSEY!!! I WILL FIND YOU AND CHALLANGE YOU TO A KNIFE FIGHT!!

I wonder if Peter will boycott Lambeau now for allowing such blasphemy...

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame held two concerts at Madison Square Garden Thursday and Friday, and I was lucky enough to be in the crowd on the second night, the most interesting night of music I've ever seen in person.

MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOURS!!

b. Can't decide what's worse -- Jets' throwbacks or AFL refs' throwbacks. You know, the creamsicle shirts.

I know what's worse. This column.

c. Any team more confusing than the Cardinals? Rout the Giants on the road, routed by the Panthers at home.

Kind of hard to win a game when your quarterback turns the ball over 6 times...

d. And in the category of Best Performance By a Running Back in a Game No One Saw, the nominees are: Chris Johnson, Tennessee, for his 24-carry, 228-yard game against Jacksonville; Maurice Jones-Drew, Jacksonville, for his 177-yard performance with a sick 22.1-yard average carry; DeAngelo Williams, Carolina, for his 158 yards in an upset of the Cardinals; and Steven Jackson, for his 149-yard day against Detroit in the Rams' first win in a year. The envelope, please ... And the winner -- Chris Johnson.

So, they guy who set a franchise record with 228-yards rushing had a better day than 3 other guys who all rushed for fewer yards than him??

j. By the way, I never noted this last week, and since I wrote about it when it happened, I need to conclude it in the same space: The league says it found no wrongdoing in the case of rookie Cleveland running back James Davis practicing unpadded and being hurt when going against a padded linebacker in an extra practice drill with the Browns earlier this season.

And all is well within our universe again. The space/time continuum remains in tact.

5. I think I'd bet a Jim Sorgi autographed football that the retractable roof will be closed for early games in Indianapolis from here on out, after what we saw in the first half of the 49ers-Colts game. With the sun shining brightly on the end zone and the Colts driving for a touchdown, Peyton Manning threw a catchable ball to Dallas Clark -- only he never saw it. Sun got in his eyes.

And that folks, is the first time that a professional football player has had to deal with "the elements".

a. Kudos to Shawntae Spencer, too, for timing the Manning to Clark ball perfectly on the TD-pass-bat-away

You mean, the one that Clark could not see because of the grueling sun?

d. The Panthers obviously had the game in Arizona circled on the calendar for months, because they came out and played like it was a playoff game.

Too bad they didn't play their actual play-off game against the Cardinals like that.

g. Signs of life (26 carries, 90 yards) from Matt Forte.

Signs of life...playing the Browns.

a. For a veteran who's surely been mugged on more than a few pass routes, Derrick Mason of the Ravens went way over the top on a jersey grab by Denver cornerback Alphonso Smith. He deserved the 15-yard flag for unsportsmanlike conduct after throwing his helmet. Calls get missed, Derrick. Relax a bit.

Relax Derrick, it's only football. No need to get worked up.....

b. Are you kidding, FOX? The moment the game of the year ends and Brett Favre is hugging his way across the field, we hear Thom Brennaman say: "We send you to bonus coverage.''
You do what? You send us to Carolina 34, Arizona 21? For God's sake -- FOR WHAT?!!!!!! What you should be sending us to is Pam Oliver for a live interview with Favre instead of making people wait.

ONLY I CAN GET WORKED UP ABOUT FOOTBALL RELATED THINGS DERRICK MASON! HOW DARE FOX NOT SHOW MY BEAUTIFUL BRETT AS HE IS CELEBRATING THIS VICTORY FOR THE AGES???

YOU HAVE NOW ENTERED PETER KING BOYCOTT TERRITORY FOX! I HAD A CROSSWORD PUZZLE DEDICATED TO ME!!! I GO TO BIG CONCERTS!!

c. So Larry Johnson will be docked $330,000 for his sins in Kansas City, on his third suspension in three years. Amazing thing is, I'm sure those close to him are filling his ears with, "You've done nothing wrong. Everyone's out to get you.'' That's the sad part here.

But I thought that he was such a smart guy!

e. Throw it downfield, Matthew Stafford. Bombs away, Calvin Johnson or not.

More interceptions Matthew, that's what the team needs! More interceptions!!

f. Owen Daniels tearing his ACL is such a shame. He was battling Dallas Clark and Antonio Gates for top tight end in the AFC. Houston will miss him. Matt Schaub trusted him to run perfect routes.

Schaub will lead the league even more in normacly now.

a. I get the sense no one really believes in Iowa.
b. I get the sense no one knows what Oregon's colors are.

c. I get the sense Al Groh can't be long for the world in Charlottesville. Virginia has lost by double digits -- at home -- to William & Mary and Duke.

I get the sense that no one is reading this anymore.

e. Coffeenerdness: Funny thing happened walking to get the papers and coffee Saturday morning in Manhattan. Guy walks up to me at a newsstand on 7th and 53rd and says, "Peter King!'' I turn and shake his hand, and he said, "Jeff Catlett. I'm the one who won the Joe Namath jersey at the Dr. Z auction last spring.'' Wow, I say, and ask what's he doing here in the city, out so early. Seems he lives in Kuwait, works in the oil business, and his wife gave him a trip to World Series Game 2 to see his beloved Yanks, and he was out for a stroll before he had to get to the airport and go back home.
We went to Starbucks and got coffee, and I asked him about Starbucks over there. Turns out he's quite the Starbucks aficionado. "We have 76 Starbucks in Kuwait,'' he said proudly. "Seven in one mall!'' So Howard Schulz is taking over the world after all.

Please move to Kuwait Peter, please. They need your coffee expertise over there.