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I took a couple of days off last week and I'll also be going on vacation this Friday, but in between there's still time for some fun with Peter King. Let' see if the portly one is still angry at Fox or what Barry, Jerry, Larry and Larry Derryberry are up to today. Take it away MMQB...
I officially declare Patriots-Colts Hype Week kicked off.
Pats-Colts Hype week follows Brett Favre Hype week. Excuse me while I scrape my tongue with shards of glass....
More than all other games, New England-Indy is the game TV loves.
Peter however loves Minnesota-Minnesota, a game where Brett Favre plays against his own clone. Great match-up. Lofty match-up. Almost quasy-Jeterish.
"Peyton Manning and Bill Belichick are twins from another lifetime,'' Ismail said. "They both have the same mom and dad.
As if we needed more reasons to hate Archie Manning...
When I read about Belichick's life, it's Peyton to a T. No matter who you put around Peyton with the Colts, the beat goes on. No matter who you put on Belichick's team, the beat goes on. They don't allow anything to interfere with winning.''
Yes, that makes them EXACTLY THE SAME PERSON. THEY ARE SIAMESE TWINS! Peyton Manning filmed the Houston Texans while standing on the sideline yesterday!
"I can never repay him for what he taught me about football,'' Hobbs said of Belichick.
"I'm getting a football education from Peyton,'' Collie said of Manning.
"I'm getting a great facial from Brett," King said of Favre.
4. Brett Favre's alive. Daughter Breleigh was fit to be tied when Favre told her in late July he was staying retired, and, truth be told, Favre was in full waffling mode for much of August until Minnesota coach Brad Childress called and said it's now or never. Favre unretired for the second straight year. Good call. Vikes are 7-1, have swept Green Bay decisively, and Favre has a 16-to-3 touchdown-to-interception ratio, the best at midseason in his 19-year career.
Wonder if it will still be a good call when Favre throws a game deciding pick-six in the Divisional round...
3. Minnesota (7-1). Good week for a bye, and for rest for Brett Favre's groin.
Brett's groin gets very little rest when Peter is around.
4. Denver (6-1). I like the Ty Law signing, even if he has very little left.
I like this player, even if he can't play! I read this column, even though it blows!
9. Philadelphia (5-3). How amazing it is, the difference DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin make in the Eagle attack. In the 11 years Andy Reid has coached this team, they have to be the best fast/quick receiver twosome he's had.
Amazing when a quarterback does not have to throw to Todd Pinkston and Freddie Mitchell.
14. Carolina (3-5). In the last eight days, they won in Arizona and -- some say -- should have won at New Orleans.
The Dolphins should have beaten the Colts and should have beaten the Saints. Why don't you rank them in the top 10?
15. Baltimore (4-4). Here by default. If Chicago, Green Bay, San Francisco or Miami had won Sunday, the Ravens would be on the outside of this prestigious poll of greatness.
Look at me rank these teams arbitrarily in my arbitrary rankings...with no good reason whatsoever!
MVP Watch
I don't like removing Jared Allen, because he didn't play this week and did nothing to fall out of the top five. And I hate having quarterbacks in each spot. But I wanted to get Tom Brady in here because he's back to looking like the 2007 Brady.
Jared Allen shouldn't have been in there in the first place. The same goes for Favre. If you are going to put a Viking, IT HAS TO BE PETERSON. But ok. Keep up with that weird grammar.
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Boarding a flight from Denver to Phoenix last Tuesday, I was in the aisle walking toward the back of the plane. The aisle was full. The plane was going to be full, and it was probably half-boarded.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are ready for immediate departure,'' the flight attendant said, with a bit of urgency. This was a 6 a.m. flight, and now it was about 5:40. "Please take your seats as soon as possible so we can depart.''
About three minutes late, I got to my seat, was putting away my carryon, and the aisle was still full, with a line of maybe 30 people still making if to their seats.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats so we can be ready for an on-time departure,'' she said, more urgently now.
How should we get there, ma'am? By levitating?
It wasn't even 5:45 now. We weren't leaving the gate, minimum, for 15 minutes. And this women was talking like there was a fire onboard and we had to scram or we'd all be cooked. And it wasn't even 6 in the morning, no less. Now that's a good time in the friendly skies right there.
How dare you expect Peter King to move swiftly as he slowly waddles to his seat??? Dem's boycotting words ma'am!
An Expensive Lunch, But A Few Of You Might Be Interested
I MAKE STUPID AMOUNTS OF MONEY!!
What we're going to do is have lunch at Davio's in Foxboro, just outside Gillette Stadium, on Friday, Dec. 11. We're going to open it to the first 10 people willing to donate $1,000 to the Light Foundation. If you're interested, contact Light's representative, Margrette Mondillo, by email at
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
. We'll hang out that Friday for a couple of hours. Light will tell you every one of the deep, dark Patriot secrets. I won't tell you much, but I'll be there for comic relief.
You're trying to get people to donate $1,000 during these horrible economic times to have lunch with your grotesquely fat ass? And the catch is that you will be the comic relief? You are as funny as a terminal disease. Go get fucked.
A reminder (have I reminded you enough how to buy Monday Morning Quarterback: A fully caffeinated guide to everything you need to know about the NFL yet?) that I have a special deal going with my book.
No, PLEASE REMIND US SOME MORE!!! I NEED IT LIKE I NEED AIR, PETER!!
a. MLB Network/NBC stat maven Elliott Kalb on the Kansas City Chiefs: "They're so unwatchable they render the opponent unwatchable.''
The Chiefs are as watchable as this column is readable...
f. I never thought Lovie Smith was in any real trouble until yesterday. But this is the defense he's calling plays for? The defense that laid down in Cincinnati and gave up 45 points? The defense that gave up five touchdown passes to Kurt Warner?
The Peter King Curse is a finely tuned machine!
h. I told you to take more chances downfield, Matthew Stafford, which you should do -- but not as recklessly as you did yesterday in Seattle.
I told you to tweet about gay people Larry Johnson, which you should do -- but not as recklessly as you did.
I told you to un-retire Brett Favre, which you should do -- but not as recklessly as you did.
I told you to bring that gun into that nightclub Plaxico Burress, which you should do -- but not as recklessly as you did.
I told you to drive recklessly while in Miami Donte' Stallworth, which you should do -- but not as recklessly as you did.
3. I think at this rate, Peyton Manning's arm will fall off by New Year's Day.
Best. New. Year. EVAR.
g. The Falcons will be a tough out in January. And yes, they'll be playing football in January.
As will every other team.
9. I think the league won't do anything about Chad Ochocinco's little money gag, where he took out a dollar bill and waved it at an official during a disputed call. "You know, like, here's a dollar, change the call,'' the Ocho told me. "Just kidding. Just having fun.'' Wasn't sure the league would see it that way, and though I think league officials will look at the replay in New York today, I hear they won't be inclined to fine Ochocinco. Harmless fun. Well, I didn't think it was fun, but I'm old and boring.
IT'S ONLY FUN WHEN MY BRETTIE IS PLAYING LIKE A KID OUT THERE AND WHEN ROMO IS SMILING SO MUCH!!!
a. On Saturday, I shared a dressing room with Taylor Swift at NBC. It's not what you think.
It better not be....
All her stuff was in the dressing room for the show that night, but she wasn't there, and I had to dress for the Notre Dame halftime pop on NBC. Well, there was an incident. I stepped on Taylor Swift's red gown. Not on purpose, but there it was, the bottom of it on the ground, and I was trying to walk around it to get my jacket, and I stepped on it, and there it was, a footprint on the bottom of the red material. I quickly wiped off the footprint off. Most of it, anyway. You guys didn't see a size-14 sneaker mark on the bottom of her red gown Saturday night, did you?
Oh, you stupid, fat, fuck. Do you realize how many things are wrong here?
First of all, a size 14? What type of circus freak are you? Secondly, how do you "try to walk around it" and still step on it? You bumbling, rotund oaf...
And why the fuck are you even telling us this?? We don't give a shit. NBC should boycott you for being a complete and total fuck up.
b. Jeff Garlin, I know you read this column. You're looking good. You've dropped some weight, and you're sharp. But I don't write to praise your physique or acting ability. I write to urge you, please: More Funkhauser. We out in "Curb Your Enthusiasm'' land cannot get enough of the gravelly voiced weirdo who has three good lines in every scene.
Listen to me, I'M THE GUY WHO THINKS THAT TEBOW SHOULD BE DRAFTED 1ST OVERALL!
d. Listen to Rilo Kiley. You'll thank me.
Listen to Rilo Kiley. Respect the sun. Walk slowly on an airplane. Step on some one's dress. Steal a ball from an eight year old. Take a huge shit in the airport. Call Derek Jeter the best player of our generation. Ask people to donate $1,000 for the privilege of having a disgusting lunch with you. Boycott a hotel. Complain about tourists that take pictures....Oh fuck it... I'm done.
* image courtesy of Picture Is Unrelated
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