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Before I get to Peter King and the failures of the Atlanta Braves, I have to mention this article, which is probably the "bossiest" thing I've seen in a long time. It's an overweight skunk who got put into fat camp because he's a tub of lard. A podgy skunk gorged itself so much on bacon sarnies that it's had to be put on a strict veggie diet. Mr Bumble's love of the pork life resulted in him ballooning to a dangerous 6.35kg (one stone) - double the ideal weight for a healthy skunk.
Holy fucking shit that is awesome. The fat skunk is called Mr. Bumble's and he became tubby because he ate too much bacon. My mind can't handle so much awesomenesss in such a short period of time. AARRGGGG.... HE IS CALLED MR. BUMBLE'S!!! I'm going to crawl into a hole and cuddle with it. (No, I probably won't).
Either way, back to the usual depressing crap. Remember that universal rule I told you about in my last post, the one that requires me to be unhappy when it comes to sports? Well, didn't that just jump up and rape me in the testicles again...
The Braves were rolling along nicely, winning game after game and suddenly they found themselves 2 games out of the NL Wild Card lead with 6 games left. Time to see rainbows and bunnies and to have hope right?
Wrong. Wrong like Peter King on Monday Mornings. I wrote that post, the Braves promptly lost the next two games (both by 1 run) and I open SI.com right now just in time to see that Colorado has just clinched the NL Wild Card. Awesome. Fuck me twice.
Whatever. Having no hope is doing wonders however for Team Moneyline Loser. I'm 3-0, the only undefeated team in the league and I should probably be picking random fights on the message boards but I'm playing it cool. Like I said, I wear long-sleeved shirts under short-sleeved shirts under long-sleeved shirts.
But hey, speaking of SI, let's have a look at Twinkie the Kid's weekend picks...
* lowers expectations * * stabs self in thigh * * yells at squirrel * * gets into a knife fight with the aforementioned overweight skunk *
Detroit Lions (1-2) at Chicago Bears (2-1)
Matt Forte's yards-per-rush in his three starts so far: 2.2, 2.2, 3.1. Just plain weird.
Weird that a good player is having a bad start to the season. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS.
Cincinnati Bengals (2-1) at Cleveland Browns (0-3)
I can't for the life of me come up with one scenario that has the Browns winning this game.
Yes, because the Bengals are the '85 Bears. Wait, didn't you think last week that the Lions had a shot of beating the Redskins?? If the Lions can muster a win against anyone, I'm sure that the Browns might be able to beat the Bengals in some sort of alternate universe as well. I'm not saying that it will happen...but it's fucking athletic competition...you know....where stranger things have happened.
Dallas Cowboys (2-1) at Denver Broncos (3-0)
I don't care that the Broncos have played two totally inept offenses the past two weeks (Raiders, Browns). The fact they've allowed 16 points in their 3-0 start is the most impressive single statistic of September.
I don't care that the Broncos played against a team of dead canaries, the most impressive thing is that they won that game!
Seattle Seahawks (1-2) at Indianapolis Colts (3-0)
Last week, Aaron Curry looked like the force Tim Ruskell drafted him to be. The only chance Seattle has at Indy, with or without Matt Hasselbeck, is Curry turnstiling left tackle Charley Johnson two or three times and strip-sacking Peyton Manning the way he did Jay Cutler last week.
Or you know, the Seahawks could just put together a complete team effort and just outplay the Colts. But hey rookie linebacker Aaron Curry...if your team has ANY chance to win, it's ALL UP TO YOU!
New York Giants (3-0) at Kansas City Chiefs (0-3)
Now, we don't normally write about gambling in this column, which I fully support. But I did sneak a peek at the odds for this week's ballgames, and I did notice the Giants were nine-point favorites here. I think someone in Las Vegas made a mistake. Is that a nine-point spread for the first quarter? If so, it's a credible line.
Stupid degenerate gamblers! There will be no mention of that filth in this column. Just go back to your home on gambling and cock-sucking island. Peter King is a noble gentleman that feels dirty just by typing the word "gambling".
Buffalo Bills (1-2) at Miami Dolphins (0-3)
Trent Edwards is always good (92.0 career rating) against the Dolphins, who will be feeling their way with first-time starter Chad Henne. On a side note: Now that's real mature, T.O.
Terrell Owens. The picture of stability and maturity. Who would have thought that he'd bring some distractions with him?? The next thing you're going to tell me is that good players might struggle sometimes during the season...
Baltimore Ravens (3-0) at New England Patriots (2-1)
How about New England facing a young gun (Trent Edwards, Mark Sanchez, Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco) for the fourth straight week?
Holy shit, I'm amazed by a generic fact that no one else cares about! Seriously folks, this is what SI's leading football writer brings to the table.
St. Louis Rams (0-3) at San Francisco 49ers (2-1)
"How do you like your coffee, Mr. Spagnuolo?'' He doesn't. Not this week, anyway. Glen Coffee: 28 carries, 141 yards, one TD, in relief of Frank (Don't Call Me Tipper) Gore.
* chokes on own vomit * * reads the paragraph again, becomes a Budhist Monk.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3) at Washington Redskins (1-2)
Jim Zorn walks into FedEx Field on Sunday morning. Turns to his trusted PR man, Zack Bolno. "Funny thing happened the other night,'' Zorn says. "You know I live out in the country a little bit, and I woke up about 2 in the morning to what sounded like howling outside. I went to the front door, and there was, oh, I don't know, maybe 10 or 12 wolves. Just howling. Right on the doorstep. I shooed them away, but it was, well, just weird. Zack, tell me something: What do you make of that?''
THAT YOU DRIVE ME FUCKING INSANE WITH THIS SHIT. Damnit King, is this what you get paid to do???
Tennessee Titans (0-3) at Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
To: The 31 other teams of the NFL. From: Jeff Fisher. Re: The 2009 season. It ain't over till we say it's over.
To: CNN SI From: Dave Re: Tubby Maguire
Do you even read the shit he puts out? Seriously.. read that Bucs-Redskins paragraph again and please explain to me how this man gets away with that kind of shit.
Green Bay Packers (2-1) at Minnesota Vikings (3-0)
Forget the post-game handshake between Brad Childress and Mike McCarthy. I'm looking for the pregame handshakes between Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers, McCarthy and Ted Thompson. Re the game, I see a shootout, with 600 passing yards, and Favre making one more play than Rodgers.
It becomes even more impressive when you consider that Favre will make that play while you are still attached to his limp penis.
Fuck it.. I'm done for today. |
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