I'm pretty horrible when it comes to sports betting, office pools, fantasy sports and other things which require you to mix sports with money, rational thinking and the coherent movement of the limbs. It's just how it works. If nothing is on the line, I will dominate like an angry midget in a kicking contest. If money or prizes are to be won however, I will quickly drop my pants and get violated in very awkward and painful ways.

I've been watching sports since I can remember (American and European), I've worked at sports books, I know the rules, I know the stats, I know the players and I know the variables. Yet, there's a bigger chance of Peter King writing a decent column on Monday Morning than of me putting in a winning wager.

Just to give you a few testicle crushing examples. I had the Dolphins that Monday Night when the Jets had a record breaking comeback (Fuck You Jumbo Elliott. Fuck you in the liver). I had the Blazers in game seven against the Lakers (Fuck the year 2000 as well). I lost a prop bet/parlay because Brian Westbrook came up 1 yard short. I lost an over-under because Daunte Culpepper fumbled at the 1-yard line.

I can keep going and ruin my self-esteem even more, but I'll just point you to my worst moment with regard to sports betting. I call it "The Ed Reed Game". I wrote about the Ed Reed Game back when I was writing for the Epic Carnival, so you can check it out there if you want. The EC seems to be focusing a lot on scantily clad women these days so keep that in mind should you be at work or if you are Kordell Stewart a flaming homosexual.

The Ed Reed Game was the hardest punch to the cock I have ever received. To recap, the Ravens and Browns were playing each other on a Sunday Night in week 9 of 2004. It was a match up between Kyle Boller and Jeff Garcia, meaning that offense in general and the forward pass were going to set back about 40 years. I jumped on the under of 35 like Steve Phillips jumps on unattractive 22-year old co-workers and was pretty sure that the money was in the bag. I thanked Vegas for being stupid and I showed my genitals to everyone in the room.

Fast forward to the last moments of the ballgame where the Ravens had a 20-13 lead and all I needed was a defensive stop to ensure a win for me. Garcia dropped back, threw an awkward pass into the end zone and it was picked off by Ed Reed! GAME OVER. I WIN GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY. FUCK YOU JEFF GARCIA. ED REED IS THE MAN!

You can obviously imagine that Reed then instead of taking a knee and ending the game, ran it back 106 yards the other way for a "Fuck You In The Ass" touchdown. 106 yards. Last play of the game. 27-13 final. Game goes over 35. FUCK MY LIFE. WHY CAN'T I EVER BE GOOD AT ANYTHING???

I've had more bad moments since then (which I'll surely share), but that one set the bar.

If you want to share your gambling horror stories, feel free to send me an e-mail at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or add it to the brand new Moneyline Loser forum.