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It's been more than two weeks since I sparred a little with Peter King and I guess that it's time for us to throw fisticuffs again. Today's Thursday so that means that Petey Pablo is making horrible picks for SI while I wonder how he managed to become successful in life.
Alright Fred the Baker, destroy my will to live...
Chicago Bears (3-2) at Cincinnati Bengals (4-2)
I'm dying to know what Cincinnati is. First a ball bounces stupidly for the Bengals, and they lose a game they should have won. Then they win four games by the skin of their striped tails. Then the almighty Houston Texans hold them to three three-and-outs and three turnovers in the second half last week. I must be an idiot to be picking them. Why am I? Four words: the revenge of Cedric.
Yes, you may be an idiot. I've been saying that for years. But, aren't the Bears your Super Bowl pick? You remember don't you? The team you ranked as the 6th best in football even after they lost their first game of the season and their defensive leader?
Green Bay Packers (3-2) at Cleveland Browns (1-5)
I know this after watching much of Cleveland-Pittsburgh: The Browns' defense will show up. But after losing D'Qwell Jackson for the year, Cleveland's run support will be a shell of itself.
Sweet, titty fucking Christ...THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN. A simple search on Yahoo Sports will show you that the Browns are the third worst team in the league with regard to stopping the run. They are allowing a pathetic 165.3 yards a game (rushing) and they're also giving up 24.7 points per game. It's hard to imagine the Browns being any worse on defense than they already are.
For the Browns to be worse, they'd have to automatically forfeit every game...
New York Jets (3-3) at Oakland Raiders (2-4)
I know what it's been like around the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets this week, and it hasn't been pleasant. The thought of a five-hour plane ride Sunday night with Rex Ryan stewing up front, wondering how bad practice will be all week if they lose ought to take the interception bug out of The Sanchize.
Yes, because being afraid of your coach is the only way a quarterback will stop throwing interceptions. Actual talent has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
Indianapolis Colts (5-0) at St. Louis Rams (0-6)
Peyton Manning's only game in the Edward Jones Dome was a horrible loss -- a 42-17 pasting by the Greatest Show On Turf team in 2001 -- and produced some of the most pedestrian numbers of his life: 15 of 28, 195 yards, no touchdowns, one pick. If he has a game worse than that this week, this I vow: I will go a year without mentioning the words "Starbucks'' and "Red Sox'' in Monday Morning Quarterback. Promise.
Oh Shit, I want Leonard Little drive over Manning as he's standing in the huddle. I want James Laurinitis TO GUT HIM WITH A TRIDENT! Make it happen. Please, he needs to have a bad game. For the sake of humanity! OH GOD. OH GOD. OH GOD. Please, I'm begging here. Please let this happen. You know that I really don't ask for much in life. I'm just a humble fellow that spends his days playing with dirt and plastic bags but shit on a stick, please let this happen.
I can't imagine how great this world would be if Captain Cholestorol would not mention Starbucks in his columns for A WHOLE YEAR!
New Orleans Saints (5-0) at Miami Dolphins (2-3)
You've heard all the stories about how Drew Brees is so happy to be in New Orleans, I can vouch for that. He and his wife are happy to live, work, and be positive symbols for the revival of a great American city. But I can also tell you this: He'd be a Dolphin today if the Miami medical staff hadn't scared him off to Nick Saban. Promise.
This is supposed to be insight? SI's leading football writer tells us something that every football fan has known since 2006. And why the fuck did you write "Promise" two times like that?? It makes me dislike you even more.
Arizona Cardinals (3-2) at New York Giants (5-1)
What a great game, and I don't say that because I work for the rights-holder to it, NBC. I say it because Kurt Warner and Eli Manning are going to throw for 700 yards and six touchdowns, and it's going to come down to who makes the big play in the last five minutes. I say Eli gets the very bad taste from last week out of his mouth Sunday night.
Nope, you'd never pimp something just because you are associated with it. That has surely never happened before. (I can pick so many examples that it's messing with my mind. My mind just stabbed itself)
Minnesota Vikings (6-0) at Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)
If you're Mike Tomlin, what you've got to be telling your offense this week is: Possess the ball. Last week, the Ravens gave the Vikes 13 possessions ... and seven scores resulted. The Steelers are second in the league in time of possession (33:53 per game), but I think they need to go the extra miles this week: Receivers should sell out to stay inbounds, and go out of bounds under duress only if forced. Just a thought, coach.
Peter King, the guy who thinks that the Browns should take Tim Tebow first overall is giving advice to Mike Tomlin. A coach with a lifetime 26-12 record, two division titles and 1 Super Bowl ring.
New England Patriots (4-2) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6)
Cheerio! As Roger Goodell flies to London this week, one of The Things I Think He Thinks is: Come on, Bill. Puh-leeeze. Don't run the score up this week.
PUH-LEEZE BILL, YOU DON'T WANT TO GET ON PETER'S BAD SIDE! The hotel industry can tell you how ugly it can get. HE MIGHT BOYCOTT YOU!
Buffalo Bills (2-4) at Carolina Panthers (2-3)
Last time they met in Charlotte, Doug Flutie threw for two touchdowns and Thurman Thomas ran for one. I daresay the men of Jauron would have a better shot Sunday with Flutie and Thurmanator in the starting lineup.
I daresay that this Picks Column would have been better if Peter King was not the author.
San Francisco 49ers (3-2) at Houston Texans (3-3)
It's possible that Matt Schaub leads the NFL in normalcy. Nice guy. Not impressed with himself. All he cares about is the next play, the next game. Good to see him be the very odd answer to this question: Who leads the NFL in touchdown passes after six weeks?
Tony Romo leads the league in smiles. The Falcons lead the league in anonymity. Matt Schaub leads in normalcy. Got it. Very good Peter, no wonder you make stupid, ridiculous amounts of money. It's for keen observations like this one.
Philadelphia Eagles (3-2) at Washington Redskins (2-4)
It's almost like the Redskins don't want to win. Who gives a guy in the building three weeks the keys to the offense?
It's almost like SI doesn't want visitors. Who gives Peter King stupid, ridiculous money money to write horse diarrhea like this?
* image courtesy of Hawtness
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