The One Where Peter Tells Us That Kyle Orton Is Tom Brady

Written by Dave

Monday, 05 October 2009 16:48

It seems like only yesterday that I was making fun of the Keebler Elf. Oh yes, I did make fun of him yesterday. Give me a break King!! One day, that's all I ask for!!

* opens MMQB*
* loses faith in humanity *
* becomes an alchoholic *
* stabs a Smurf *
* kicks a Whale *

1. The Giants might or might not be the best team in football, but I can tell you this: They're the deepest.

And here I was thinking that SI's leading football writer could tell me which team in his opinion is the best in football right now...

2. The Saints look like the best team in football. The Giants, Colts and Vikings might be too, and Denver and Baltimore and New England ... well, proclaiming a best team is a foolish pursuit on Oct. 5.

Remember that this is the same man that had no problem ranking the Bears 6th after week one, after they lost thanks to 4 Jay Cutler interceptions....

"So I had a couple of beers in me,'' Payton told me over the weekend, "and I start thinking, 'I make enough money. We really need this guy. I'm going to offer some of my own money to try to make this happen.'

You might make enough money young mister Payton, BUT DO YOU MAKE STUPID, RIDICULOUS, PETER KING TYPE MONEY??

Now let's do a mini-analysis of the biggest decision of the off-season, Denver dealing Cutler for two first-rounders and Kyle Orton. It reminds me of the Patriots dealing Drew Bledsoe in 2002 and handing the quarterback job long-term to Tom Brady.

In other words...Kyle Orton = Tom Brady.

Now, I'm not saying (and McDaniels wouldn't either) that Orton's going to morph into Brady, but the amount of negative plays at the quarterback position has been exactly what McDaniels has preached: zero interceptions, zero lost fumbles, six sacks. If Orton continues on his present pace -- 3,624 passing yards, 20 touchdowns, 59 percent passing (that should be a tick better) -- the Broncos will be playing in January.

Last season, Jay Cutler threw for 4,526 passing yards and had 25 touchdowns to go along with a 62.3% completion percentage. The Broncos did not make the play-offs because their defense was easier to score on than Paris Hilton. For the Broncos to be playing in January this season, their defense needs to keep up what they have been doing the past 4 weeks.

4. The Titans have lost as many games in 24 days as they did in five months last year. They're 0-4.

BUT WE SHOULD STILL HAVE HOPE!!

How can you not love this game tonight?

I can only imagine how soiled your underwear is going to be...

1. New Orleans (4-0). OK, OK. I blew this one big-time in May. Putting the Saints 24th in my offseason power ratings totally discounted the impact Gregg Williams would have in rebuilding the defense of this team. That's a tough, tough D.

Didn't you just say that it was foolish to call one tea the best team in football on October 5th? I'm confused...

9. Pittsburgh (2-2). I'm not sure where to put the Steelers. They're sixth defensively after four weeks, but does the sixth-ranked defense in football allow a good offense to track-meet downfield on them for 79-, 67- and 54-yard touchdown drives in the last 20 minutes of a game?

They are statistically the 6th best defense after 4 games in the 2009 season. We're not talking about the 2000 Ravens here (yet).

Stat of the Week
Forty percent of the Green Bay active roster has never met Brett Favre. Of the 53 players eligible to dress for the Packers in the Metrodome tonight, 21 joined the team after Favre's departure in March 2008. Add eight practice-squadders and two of three injured-reserve players who weren't on the team in Favre's last season there, and Favre would have a pretty strange time if he walked in to the Green Bay locker room at these days. He wouldn't know 31 of the 64 players in there.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, reason number 8659429 that I hate this man...

Champ Bailey, CB, Denver Money players like Bailey do what he did in the final 30 seconds of the aforementioned tight game with Dallas. On third-and-goal from the Denver 2, Tony Romo threw a slant in the end zone to Sam Hurd; Bailey knocked it away. On fourth-and-goal from the Denver 2, Romo threw another slant to Hurd in the end zone; Bailey reached around him to knock it away. For the game, Bailey was back to his old wily self, with eight solo tackles and four passes broken up. For those who thought Bailey was in decline, think again.

* Knock knock * Dave: "Who's there?" * Sample * Dave: "Sample who?" * Sample Size * Dave: Go away stupid sample size, no one cares about you!

Yes sir, let's conclude that Bailey is not declining after he had 1 great game in week 4. Yep, let's base that on one game against Tony Romo and those amazing Dallas Cowboys receivers like Roy Williams and Sam Hurd.

5. (tie) Joe Flacco, QB, Baltimore. He's a Mark Clayton drop from being third on this list.

Shouldn't he be third on the list then since it was NOT HIS FAULT THAT CLAYTON DROPPED IT?

Shameless Monday Morning QB Book Promotion of the Week
Just what you've been waiting for (and an inexpensive Halloween gift for that special someone): MMQB the book.

If anyone gives you the MMQB book as a gift....please hit that person in the face with a blunt object because he or she hates your guts and wants you to fail in life.

It reprises some columns from the first 12 years of MMQB -- I know you can't wait to re-read the one about the death of our dog -- with some new lists and opinions and other sundry observations.

Golly Gee Whiz. I'll only read about the death of your dog if you promise to ignore one of the most controversial games in league history! Oh oh oh, does it contain more airport poop stories?? I so can't wait!

10. Tony Romo. I know, I know. I like him more than the average American male.

THAT'S BECAUSE HE LEADS THE LEAGUE IN SMILING!

a. Why, FOX, why? Why show the top 10 plays of Brett Favre's career? How many celebrations of his career have you done, and how many more will you do? What possible relevance do the top 10 plays of his career have this weekend?

Don't you get it Fox? Stupid and unnecessary Favre love is reserved only for Peter! How dare you touch what is rightfully his??

g. I could have sworn I could read David Garrard's mind while he shredded the Titans on Sunday. His mind was saying, Mr. Weaver, we don't need no stinkin' Tebow.

Yes, leave Tebow for the Browns and their first overall pick. Or the Rams... whatever..

h. Wow. Did you see that handshake between John Harbaugh and Bill Belichick? Harbaugh belichicked Belichick! Gave him the dead-fish handshake that Belichick has given Eric Mangini and Rex Ryan.

HOW DARE HE!!

* faints from the outrage *

i. I really like Steelers returner Stefan Logan, who's 60 percent the player Darren Sproles is ... at about 10 percent of the cost.

That sentence made 0 percent sense...

5. I think New England could have the quirkiest schedule a team has ever faced. It opened the season against the 0-0 Bills, the 1-0 Jets, the 2-0 Falcons, the 3-0 Ravens and now gets the 4-0 Broncos ... and then against what could be the 0-5 Titans (if they lose to Indy this week) and the 0-6 Bucs (if they lose to Philly and the Panthers).

* swallows led pipe *

Again folks, this is what SI's leading writer brings to the table. Amazing...

7. I think Pete Carroll's going to stay married to college football. I'd be surprised if he took a pro job in the near future. I talked to Carroll the other day about Mark Sanchez, and he made an interesting comment about how he noticed a lot of teams are hiring lesser-known coaches (San Francisco, Tampa Bay) and not paying them as much as the veteran proven NFL coaches ... and they're not being very patient with them. His point, pretty simply, was this: Why should I give up a great job in a place I love for a speculative job that could crash and burn in the first year?

Really, you mean to tell me he does not want to walk away from one of the greatest jobs in sport? The man is reaching legendary status as the coach of USC. He can recruit just about any player he wants to come play for him and his team is in the national title hunt EVERY SINGLE YEAR.

He gets to hang out with Will Ferrell and send players like Carson Palmer, Reggie Bush and Taylor Mays to the NFL. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD HE LEAVE THAT to coach in the brutal NFL where parity rules and where spoiled millionaires (T.O, Merriman, Vick, Moss) drive coaches insane??

c. Ricky Williams, 35 Miami touchdowns. Jim Kiick 28, Mercury Morris 29. Does that stun anyone else?

Ricky was Miami's entire offense after the trade from New Orleans. He had a few great seasons where he put up awesome numbers but he couldn't stand the beating his body was taking and walked away from the game.

He may have become a joke in the meantime and his departure sank Miami that year, but the man was one of the best running backs in the game at that time. One can only imagine what his career numbers would be right now if he didn't miss those years in between...