* checks the Week 3 picks over at SI *

* tries to swallow a plastic bag * * drinks pure bleach * * lights self on fire * * runs naked through heavy traffic * * reads article about the Buffalo Bills at 1:10 am *

Oh Christ. This is what Frito Bandito has for us today...

New Orleans Saints (2-0) at Buffalo Bills (1-1)

Every time I watch the Saints line up on first-and-10, I see Kurt Warner running the Greatest Show on Turf.

Yes, because Marques Colston is Isaac Bruce, Devery Henderson is Torry Holt and Pierre Thomas is Marshall Faulk.

Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1) at Cincinnati Bengals (1-1)

Ben Roethlisberger walks into the Steelers complex Wednesday morning and says to offensive coordinator Bruce Arians: "Who is this Antwan Odom, and where did he come from?''.

Antwan Odom has played 66 career games and has 22.5 sacks so far. He had an 8 sack season as a member of the Titans in '07, which made him somewhat wanted when he became a free agent after that season. I'm pretty sure that Roethlisberger knows who he is.

Well actually, with Roethlisberger's I.Q., Pete might actually have a point here.

Touche Uncle Ben...

Washington Redskins (1-1) at Detroit Lions (0-2)

I don't care what line Vegas gives this game. I won't consider this much of an upset. If Matthew Stafford plays efficiently and Kevin Smith gets two more holes than he had against the Great Wall of Minnesota, the Lions will have enough to win.

The Lions have lost 19 in a row and are setting records with their God awful play. They could beat a team of dead pigeons and it still would be considered an upset. Actually running a successful play is considered an upset for them...

Green Bay Packers (1-1) at St. Louis Rams (0-2)

There will be some juice in the Ed Jones Dome for the first home game of the Spags Era, but juice can't rush the passer.

The Juice won't be in the Ed Jones Dome. He is currently serving a sentence in an ass-pounding correctional center.

I think Brad Childress will take the wraps off Brett Favre this week, in part because he knows Bryant McKinnie and Phil Loadholt will protect Favre. Weird Stat of the Week: The Vikings are 32nd in the NFL in passing yards (119.0 per game).

As opposed to the past two weeks when McKinnie and Loadholt told Childress that they would not protect Favre. Being a 43-year old turnover machine that just came off of shoulder surgery and who skipped training camp has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Nope, it's all about McKinnie and Loadholt...

Tennessee Titans (0-2) at New York Jets (2-0)

Only one team in the NFL can afford to go 0-3 this weekend yet still have legitimate playoff hopes, and that's Tennessee. Having said that, if I'm Titans offensive coordinator Mike Heimerdinger, my gameplan this week has 28 touches for Chris Johnson, because against this weird, unpredictable Jets front, the only way to beat it is to throw a cat-quick back at it. On 28 touches, I'd say Johnson hits two home runs and has a few other gashers. I just don't think it'll be enough to win this game. Prediction: New York Jets 20, Tennessee Titans 17

Yes sir, with the Colts playing prime time (where they usually come through) and probably going 3-0 and the Texans playing the pathetic Jags and probably going 2-1, it's no problem for the Titans to go 0-3. Nothing says legitimate playoff hopes like 0-3!

And now Peyton Manning and Kurt Warner duel for the last time (barring a Super meeting) in their lives.

I can't wait 'till I have grand kids and that I can tell them about those epic Manning-Warner duels that my lifetime has seen.

Remember all the folks who said we were overplaying the tough-schedule angle when discussing the 2009 Fish? Well, they're 0-2, and five of their next six games come against legit playoff contenders (Chargers, Bills, Jets, Saints, Jets, Pats). That's a schedule being a factor right there.

The schedule is a factor?? Get out of town! The next thing you are going to tell me is that puny things like talent, play-calling, execution and coaching also play a factor..

I'm not saying Matt Hasselbeck is a candidate for MVP or anything like that. But the dropoff from Hasselbeck to Seneca Wallace is like the dropoff from Peyton Manning to Jim Sorgi.

That says more about Seneca Wallace then it does about Hasselbeck.

Good thing Jerry Reese doesn't listen to media geniuses like me. I railed about the G-men making a big mistake by not acquiring Anquan Boldin before the draft to pair with wideout Steve Smith, saying good general managers need to know when to make moves to get veteran players to help win-now teams win now. So here's Boldin, with an ouchy hamstring, and the man playing his role with the Giants, Mario Manningham, after two weeks: Boldin, 10 catches, 88 yards, no touchdowns; Manningham, 13 catches, 208 yards, two touchdowns. The season's young, but touche', Mr. Reese.

That's the Peter King curse in action again. It's beautiful, poetic and it will rape you in the ass without warning.

This is the week to use Baltimore in your knockout pools, America.

Not anymore. The Peter King sign of approval means that this is the week that Baltimore gets raped in the ass, America!

If the Texans are to challenge Indy for the AFC South title, the next four weeks are vital. Jacksonville, Oakland, at Arizona, at Cincinnati. They've got to go 3-1 to be serious about winning the division.

Don't forget about Tennessee. Nothing says play-off hopes like 0-3!!

I've had enough of this get-rid-of-Tony Romo crap. It's ridiculous.

HOW DARE YOU GET RID OF THE GUY WHO LEADS THE LEAGUE IN SMILES??? Since when does a team need a quarterback that doesn't throw crippling interceptions and who can actually hold on to extra points and lead his team to play-off victories???

Fuck it King, if you keep writing shit like this, I'm never going to write about that hermaphrodite pony who likes to play blackjack!

BTW, team Moneyline Loser is now 2-0 as I had the most points in the league and I beat my opponent by 100 points. Not giving a shit is really turning out great so far...