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What a disgusting weekend. The Hurricanes ate a dick at Virginia Tech. The Dolphins ate another dick at San Diego. Favre is 3-0, Mark Sanchez is 3-0 and Peter King's underwear must have been soiled like never before.
I'd rather get punched in the cock for 12 straight hours than to go through another shit storm like that. I'm afraid to even open Monday Morning Quarterback today because odds are that it's just 6 full pages of Peter King achieving orgasms while replaying Favre's throw to Greg Lewis in his head.
* btw, why the fuck do I root for the Dolphins? Christ, what a pathetic team. 3-13, here we come.
* opens MMQB. Doesn't dare to look.... *
How'd Brett Favre get that ball in there? How'd Greg Lewis get both feet down inbounds?
They both channeled their inner Jeter.
New Vikings hero Greg Lewis will have a place in the Favre history book -- even if he wasn't supposed to be in the game.
That's not as impressive as Peter, who has a place in the Favre rectum.
The Vikings may be playing a risky game with Favre, who turns 40 in two weeks, because they don't know if he can last the full season at his age. But they've now officially won one more game than they'd have won with either Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson playing.
The Vikings are not winning because of Favre. When you have Adrian Peterson, Percy Harvin, a sweet offensive line and a defense that boasts Jared Allen and the Willams Wall, you will win plenty of games even with a mediocre quarterback. It doesn't mean that Favre is any good...it means that Sage and Tarvaris are diarrhea.
That's because Favre pulled a Favre -- he threw a 32-yard touchdown pass to Lewis at the back of the end zone with two seconds left to beat the 49ers.
That's because Favre pulled it out of his ass. Come play-off time, that pass will get intercepted and every Vikings fan alive will be waiting to stab Favre in the chin. Heaving a ball into coverage and having a no name receiver amazingly catch it and stay in bounds does not make you a great quarterback... it makes you a lucky piece of shit who holds the NFL record for interceptions thrown.
"Just before we left the huddle,'' Lewis said, "Brett told us, 'Stay alive.'
Stay alive fellas, the only things that will be dying today are Dave's hopes and dreams. Serves him right for rooting for the Dolphins.
Favre picked out Lewis because he had two steps on his man, and because desperate times call for desperate decisions.
Because that's what he always fucking does. Carelessly heave it into coverage and hope for the best. Yesterday he got lucky. Just wait 'till the NFC Championship game when that pass gets picked off by Aaron Ross.
Inside Football Note of the Week: Dallas Clark's value to the Colts skyrockets.
I would highlight this entire piece but it's just too long. Peter basically tries to show us how valuable Dallas Clark is to the Colts and how Manning balances his throws between Clark and Reggie Wayne. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT MANNING LIKES TO THROW TO HIS BEST TWO RECEIVERS ON THE TEAM???
I haven't even been to bed yet, and I can't wait 'til Sunday.
That sentence is fucking ridiculous.
New York Jets (3-0) at New Orleans (3-0). Because this is FOX's doubleheader week, and this game is a CBS game, it won't go to much of the country. A pity. These might be the two most intriguing teams in the league after three weeks.
HOW DARE THEY NOT SHOW MARK SANCHEZ TO THE WHOLE COUNTRY???
(Monday night) Green Bay (2-1) at Minnesota (3-0). The big storyline: Ryan Longwell tries to exact revenge on the Packers, who allowed him to leave the team he loved. Or something like that.
The big storyline: Favre's dick is lodged so far down Peter's throat that it tickles his kidneys.
3. Minnesota (3-0). Interesting Fine Fifteen nugget: Favre's current team is third, his old team is fourth, and his former Packers are eighth.
And I'm currently depressed.
10. San Diego (2-1). This just in: Philip Rivers is really, really good. He threw two picturesque bombs, a 55-yarder to Vincent Jackson, a 47-yarder to Malcolm Floyd, and now has 739 passing yards in the last two weeks. That's Fouts-ian.
That's almost Jeter-ian.
13. Philadelphia (2-1). Don't you get the feeling Kevin Kolb has gone from liability to legitimate in eight days?
Don't you get that they played the Chiefs??
15. (tie) Atlanta (2-1). For the first time in a long time, maybe in his 13-month pro career, Matt Ryan played a C-minus game. The stats don't look that bad -- 17 of 28, 199 yards, no touchdowns or picks -- but you had to see the game to get the feel of Ryan's inability to make anything happen. For Ryan, one drive of 60-plus yards in a game is just not normal.
Excellent use of the small sample size Peter. Perfect execution. I dare to call it Fouts-ian.
"Let's go win the game! Let's go win the game!'' -- Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis, with 60 seconds left at Paul Brown Stadium and the Bengals trailing Pittsburgh 20-15 and Cincinnati with a fourth-and-two at the Steeler 20.
A surprise change-up as Lewis always urges his team to go and lose the game.
Difference Between Baseball and Football Dept.: On Wednesday, in Kansas City for a series with the Royals, a group of eight members of the Red Sox traveling party -- including manager Terry Francona and infielder Kevin Youkilis -- spent a couple of hours at the Kansas City Chiefs' offices and training facility, across the parking lot from Kauffman Stadium. Francona is close to Chiefs GM Scott Pioli from his days in New England, and Pioli visited Francona in the Red Sox clubhouse prior to Tuesday's game. Youkilis and former major-leaguer Sean Casey, now a part-time TV colorman, kept commenting about the pace and fury of the midweek practice. Said coach Todd Haley: "They were very shocked how physical we were and how hard our coaches coached.''
Whoaaa. Hold on here Captain Crunch. You mean to tell me that football practices are physical and hard-hitting?? No way. The next thing you are going to tell me is that tourists take pictures while in New York...
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
I can't emphasize enough -- though I've said it a few times in this column over the years -- how marvelous train travel is up and down the Boston-New York-Washington corridor. I now take the train on Saturday at different times from Back Bay Station in Boston to Penn Station in Manhattan. Because we had no Saturday obligations at NBC this weekend, I took the regular Amtrak train at 4:45 p.m. from Boston to New York, stopping at the Kingstons and New Londons, and when we got into the little train station in Old Saybrook, Conn., just off Long Island Sound, there was a slight sunset struggling to be seen through the cloud cover. Four placid hours, having a couple of Heineken Lights and banging through some elements of this column. I think you could save 60 or 90 minutes by taking the Delta shuttle, but then you wouldn't see the people walking on the seashore where Rhode Island meets Connecticut in a part of the country not many people know.
Don't you love it when he dedicates two paragraphs to illustrate how much better his life is than yours?? Perfect. Favre-ian.
One is a Factoid That May Interest Only Me: At one point, the same lawyer represented Barry Switzer, Jerry Jones and Larry Lacewell of the Cowboys. The lawyer's name was Larry Derryberry. They once dined together -- Barry, Jerry, Larry and Larry Derryberry.
SI's leading football writer folks. In mid-season form....
1. I think these are my quick-hit thoughts of Week 3: a. I'd expect both LaDainian Tomlinson (ankle) and Shawne Merriman (groin) to play for San Diego next week in Pittsburgh.
I expect both men to get eaten by killer whales now.
b. Chargers are 0-13 in Pittsburgh in regular-season games. Strangely, San Diego is 2-1 in Pittsburgh in the postseason.
WHOA. Hold on there Spazzy McGee. You mean regular season success doesn't transfer over to the post season sometimes??? That's crazy talk.
f. Three weeks into the season and the Colts have a three-game lead on the Titans.
Nothing says play-off hopes like 0-3!!
g. Did it rain on every football game Sunday, or was it just my imagination?
The Vikes and the Niners played in a dome. And it seemed pretty sunny in San Diego while the Chargers were dry-humping the Dolphins.
i. Jim Mora sounds like he'll be bringing a kicker (Brandon Coutu?) in this week to challenge Olindo Mare, who missed 43- and 34-yard field goal attempts on a perfect weather day in Seattle. "No excuses for those,'' Mora said. "Not acceptable. Not acceptable. Absolutely not acceptable."
BRANDON COUTO NEVER MISSES!!
d. Odd that Ray Rice scored his first NFL touchdown Sunday. Seems like he's had 10. I'll tell you this: Offensive coordinator Cam Cameron would take the combined product of Rice and Willis McGahee from Sunday (18 carries, 115 yards, three touchdowns) every game for the rest of his life.
As would every offensive coordinator on earth...
b. Should I watch the Strahan show?
Should I continue reading this God awful column?
c. Courtney Cox must bury her head in her hands when she realizes how her career is being dragged through the mud by this idiotic show about picking up younger men.
If getting dragged through the mud means having shitloads of money...then hells yes, drag me through the mud every day.
d. Adam Dunn's career is the most interesting of any player in baseball by far.
Adam Dunn = the most interesting. Jeter = the best of his lifetime. Dave = amazed that this man still has a job.
f. I thought the Yankees couldn't pitch. They look pretty good to me.
Who would have known that the team with the best record in baseball can pitch a little. Odd...very odd...
g. Swine flu is coming. We're not even in flu season and I know six people who've come down with it.
You heard it here first folks. The swine flu is coming! Ground breaking news by Peter King yet again. Tune in tomorrow when he tells us about a small, upstart company called "Google" and a new music playing contraption called the "iPod".
i. Hope you're OK, Tim Tebow. That was a scary thing, a violent concussion.
Get well Timmy. The Browns have the first overall pick and they need you!!!
j. Coffeenerdness: True story in Starbucks in Boston's South End Saturday morning. Man, about 23, waiting for in long line for his drink, picks up New York Times (without paying), walks into men's room. Five minutes pass. Man walks out straightening out the paper, puts the paper back in the pile of Times copies, picks up his drink and walks out.
SI football writer gets colonic. Takes massive dump on airplane. Then takes even bigger dump in airport. Walks out and writes about it in national column. American economy takes nosedive.
m. I would have liked to have laughed at least once in the endless Khaddafy spoof that opened the Saturday Night Live season.
I would have liked to have read something valuable in this endless column.
* image courtesy of I-Am-Bored
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